13 February is Self-love Day. Coincident that it is a day before the infamous Valentine’s Day? I doubt so hay... This is a clear message (from the calendar gods) that you have to love yourself and pour into your cup before being able to love someone else. Self-love is an interesting concept, as it is one of the hardest forms of love to practice. In addition to that, each person has their definition of what it means to them.
•self ˈlʌv• : “the feeling that your own happiness and wishes are important" (Oxford).
The Brain and Behaviour Foundation (2020) defines self-love as a spirit of appreciation for oneself that stems from actions supported by our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. My definition of self-love further elaborates on that; it's more about appreciating myself for who I currently am, not who society expects me to be.
My self-love journey has been one for the books. Arriving at this stage where I don’t take people’s comments about me to heart has taken me about, 20years or so. Every day I still need to remind myself that the only person’s opinion that matters is mine. Loving myself in my love language has been the best thing that I have adopted. I have learnt not to settle because I have learnt that I deserve the same softness I give to myself, if not more.
Perhaps you’re also on a self-love journey and are looking for ways to fill your cup. Take note of your love languages. Instead of waiting to experience these love languages from someone else; start practising them towards yourself. That way when someone comes along, you will be less inclined to settle for less than what you deserve.
Let's talk about loving yourself...
"...celebrate your body..."
Physical touch
Controversial to my Christian past; learning to love myself in my love languages – does include nudes and masturbation. I have learnt to remove the Christian guilt connoted with nudes and masturbation as this only brings shame and lowers my self-esteem. In pleasuring oneself, you can explore and celebrate your body just the way it is. It helps you see your body in a new light where you connect with your celestial self and almost have an out-of-body experience where you find a way to see yourself the way others see you. Through pleasure, I feel like I am doing something that makes me feel seen and appreciated, by myself. As much as doing this with someone is fun and exciting; by yourself, it takes it to a whole other level. Remember toys and fingers won’t break your heart the way people will. Also, you have full control over the ending.
Words of affirmation:
Being kind to yourself in the things you say. Telling yourself things like “I am worth it”, “I deserve better”, “I am beautiful”, and “This shirt looks great on me”. Affirming yourself also includes celebrating the small wins whenever they come and not dwelling on the Ls.
...you deserve every good thing...
Gifts:
This is for the babies who believe in retail therapy. Buying something for yourself makes you feel good about yourself because, in a way, you're celebrating yourself and affirming that you deserve that item. The gifts you buy yourself can range from flowers and chocolates to clearing your Uber Eats and Athena carts. No special occasion is needed to spoil yourself, do it because you deserve every good thing coming your way...even via courier.
Quality time:
Ain’t going to lie, this one is hard. Spending time with myself and my thoughts? No social media to distract me? It’s scary, but it's something that needs to happen. I have been trying the whole solo-date thing and at first, it's awkward. But once you get comfortable with your presence, it’s the best thing ever. I’ve since learnt to protect and value my space by filtering who I allow into my space. How I learned to spend time with myself; I started affirming and spoiling myself through retail therapy. In buying things I’ve always wanted; I took the time to explore my purchase on my own – a self-unboxing you may call it. I see self-quality time as building sentimental memories with oneself.
Acts of Service:
For once "e squeezeng in". Squeeze yourself into your busy schedule and do something nice for yourself. Something that brings stillness and makes you self-aware. This could come in the form of “Self-care Sundays” where you do your nails, wash your hair or even just spring clean your space. I see acts of service linked to the other love languages so there’s a lot of versatility to switch it up to suit your interests.
Self-love does impact the way you see and expect other forms of love. It is important to know your boundaries before involving someone else. The relationship with oneself is the one that needs to be nurtured the most as you spend the most time with yourself. So, take the time to work on yourself.
Be kind to yourself, because you matter just as much as the next person.
As a way of bringing awareness to sexual health, I have partnered with Athena and LoveHoney. Whether you’re looking for natural lubes to use with your partner, or you’re looking for a toy to use during your “me-time”; Athena and LoveHoney have you covered.
References
The love language™ quiz (no date) Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®. Available at: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language (Accessed: February 1, 2023).
Self-love (no date) self-love noun - Definition, pictures, pronunciation and usage notes | Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary at OxfordLearnersDictionaries.com. Available at: https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/self-love (Accessed: February 1, 2023).
Self-love and what it means (2020) Brain & Behavior Research Foundation. Available at: https://www.bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means (Accessed: February 1, 2023).
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